Alright, fine. Bring up my entire past and you’ll see I’ve got a lot of shit in there. I’m not a perfect human being. I’m not a good human being.
But in my heart of hearts, I’m trying to improve. After I should have been ejected from a location, I looked at myself deep in the mirror and strove to change. And you know what? I want to. I want to change for the community first and my own personal reasons second.
I took a deep look into WHY I act the way I do and how to reform it. The statement I made is one of the top reasons why I act the way I do and it is to not offend anyone for any reason at all, even if it comes to my own emotional and mental decline. I wanted to get this thing off my chest for a while, because the societal pressure to “have fun but not that way” definitely has spoiled Buffalo, Fight Clubs, PPL seasons… you name it. And I’m not talking about any reasons you or anyone mentioned here in that. Those are unacceptable behaviors and I see them now as such. But if I do find positive ways like little celebrations or bursts of happiness, they get chewed up all the same. Maybe they come off as cocky, but I really haven’t been good at anything and I find it hard to see myself as anything but an average pinball player with regards to the talent in Pittsburgh.
I also have learned to better figure myself out emotionally and mentally - and that in itself is a trying process. I’m still going through new situations and new experiences that I’m unfamiliar with, and as they happen I’m seeing how to improve how I acted to them. I never played 2 finals. I know I acted poorly going into Cleveland main. I now have gone through the steps and figured out how to deal with mental, physical, and emotional fatigue after slogging for 8 hours on your A game and needing to continue afterwards.
I know it won’t be overnight, or quickly - I’m really trying to reverse things that have held around since my childhood where I’d be down on myself in baseball for striking out because I know I’d have to relive it after the game. But honestly, I’m giving it a go and past demons be damned, I’ll stumble my way forward at some point.