unsmith, the problem with saying "all i can do is be myself", and "when it happens i simply disengage", and classifying a moment of thoughtfulness as some kind of burdensome "mental gymnastics" and classifying hurting or insulting someone else as a "sexism trap" is that it's basically (if unintentionally) saying the following things to women:
1) your comfort level and feelings are not worth my consideration.
2) despite your repeated insistence, i do not believe that men tend to engage (often unknowingly) in sexist patterns of behavior towards women.
3) It doesn't affect me, therefore it is of no concern to me.
4) Since I'm not aware of it, it doesn't exist. (which is particularly convenient, since you are actively refusing to try to be mindful of it)
I think some of the wording of #2 above is important here -- i think we all agree that a lot of this is unintentional and unconscious patterns that dudes are not aware of. i'm certainly guilty. i catch myself sometimes talking over a woman, or interrupting someone mid-anecdote, or stupidly assuming they know less about something than i do. i'm not perfect, but the least i can do is admit it and try to do it less, and give a quick apology to that person when i catch myself red-handed.